Baby EE

Itz been ages since I've felt well enough for an update.


The amniocentesis test for down syndrome was great with no signs of any abnormality and baby was confirmed to be a ger with no chance of a mistake at birth. I am grateful and thankful to those who remembered and prayed for Baby enen and me. I've decided to call her Baby EE which stands for Enen as her name is Chen Ju En instead of Christiane as it can be a mouthful for the elderly. Of coz I'm definitely most thankful to God for blessing me with a healthy baby in the stomach. Sometimes I kick myself for hving doubts at times that EE mite be an unheathy foetus and that I mite need to abort her to lessen any further heartache.


I'm currently 20 weeks into the pregnancy and is eagerly counting down to delivery after 37 weeks. QUekie had given birth to a 6.3 pounds Olivia. She gave me a very thorough account of the whole labor process and I'm lying if I say I'm not disturbed her experience and the pain from the contractions. Most people usually provide a nicer version of the process....which sometimes make me think itz juz like shitting out a baby. She said her ass now looked like a cluster of grapes from the exertion of pushing so hard and her cb now feels like hum chee peng. I take it that itz really swollen then...haha.


Pregnancy made me rethink my priorities in life. Every decision every future plans I have now will include the baby in consideration. No more frivolous buys and no more rash decisions. Even my relationship with him now isn't juz about us. It's abt her. I'm now sustaining the r/s more becoz I really want to give him a chance of being a father and for my baby to know her father. He makes a lousy husband but he will be a good provider for my baby. I've made some legal arrangement which will make sure EE will not have to suffer in any ways should we decide to go our seperate ways come November when we are allowed by law to divorce.


I'm still feeling as shitty as ever and constipation is killing me. It makes me bloated as hell and not to mention the annoying farts every now and then. No amount of fruits or water can ease the discomfort from the bloating. The last time I checked my weight at the clinic, I was 56kg and it meant I didn't put on weight since my last last appt at 15 weeks. I attribute the lack of weight gain to the stress from dealing with his many drunken nights and frequent bouts of flu. The sleepless nights probably din help too.


Maybe I'm too hard on him.
Maybe I'm too hard on this marriage.
Or maybe I'm even too hard on myself.
Maybe it's really time I let go.


I do love him. Despite his many indiscreet dalliances with women. This is the first time I'm so forthcoming about the REAL problem I'm facing. I can assure you that he is a very likeable and considerate husband when he isn't that intoxicated with alcohol. But the shit problem is that he choses to drink and get drunk with his bloody shit bunch of friends most of the time. I dun even mind his gambling anymore as long as he stays away from drinking. Gambling does take him away from drinking but never for long. He doesn't have a chronic drinking problem but I knoe it really lies with the company he chooses to keep by his side.


Sure I can blame the whole world for his problem. But when will it end? The marriage is spiralling out of control and was probably doomed from the start. Or maybe the r/s was doomed from the start. Why did we insist on being together even when we were fighting so violently all the time?


Was it that we were too alike and headstrong that binded us together?


I thought about it for years and came to a conclusion only hours ago. The answer was simple. He was the first man who was so possessively jealous of me and this r/s. He was so sure he wanted me right from the start. I was the unsure one as I wasn't sure I could deal with his possessiveness and gambling. I was insecure and hence did many things to make him even more insecure than me. I wanted the upper hand. Right now I really believe however he treats me now are all merely my comeuppance for not being as steadfast in our love in the very beginning.


Many people envied my lifestyle. My latest gift showered on me by him was a nearly 10k Chopard watch and a Tiffany bracelet. Sometimes I dunno if I should laugh or cry. I have everything from him except him. I really really want to use all that I have to exchange for the old him back to me. I cry alone so often from heartache that I fear EE will come out a colicky and depressed baby. Maybe it's the unhappiness from the marriage that's eating me up and making such a miserable bitch to be with that I drive him into the arms of another.


This is one hell of a long post. I dun like to think that the constipation made me so melancholic but it is. I will go struggle with my colon now. Bye.